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LEARN TO GROW

by Austin Connelly

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1.
LONG TIME 02:55
WALKING PAST THE MIRROR WITH RED IN MY EYES, A STUMBLE IN MY STEP. I DON’T RECOGNIZE HIM ANYMORE. THE LIGHT GLOWS, AND NOW THIS FEELS LIKE A THREAT. IT’S GETTING OLD. I HAVEN’T DONE THIS IN A LONG TIME. BREATHING DEEP, WITH REGRET ON MY TONGUE SHIVERS SHOOTING DOWN MY SPINE. THERE’S BROKEN GLASS ON THE FLOOR AGAIN. JUST LET ME LAY HERE WITH WHAT’S LEFT OF MY PRIDE. I HAVEN’T DONE THIS IN A LONG TIME, PLAYING WITH MY BLOOD AND MY LIFE.
2.
IN THE BLUE 03:00
SORRY, I CAN’T DO THIS AGAIN. I’VE GOTTA GO HOME AND REST MY HEAD. I TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND THE NEGATIVE OUTWEIGHS THE GOOD. SO I HOLD ONTO HOPE THAT THIS REALITY WILL FIND ME SOME NEW WAY TO COPE. TAKE ME DOWN INTO YOUR BED. WE CAN STAY INSIDE AND SLEEP ALL DAY. I TAKE MY MIND OUT, AND I SHAKE IT I TEND TO RIDE ALONG THE VIBRATIONS TO FIND AN OVERLAY SO TRUE, AND NOW I’M FALLING DEEP IN THE BLUE
3.
I WAKE UP, I MAKE COFFEE, I SIT DOWN AND WATCH SOME WRESTLING. I LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW, AND I SEE EVERYBODY PASSING AND I’M STUCK WONDERING OF THE POSSIBILITY OF WHEN. I TRY MY BEST TO STAY BUSY. I DON’T REALLY LIKE TO BE AT HOME, BUT WHEN I’M OUT SOMETHING REMINDS ME OF WHY YOU WON’T PICK UP THE PHONE. SO NOW I’M STUCK WONDERING OF THE POSSIBILITY OF WHEN.
4.
IF I MADE THE SAME MISTAKES, WOULD YOUR FACE STAY OR TURN AWAY? WOULD YOU EVER CALL MY NAME? WOULD YOU EVER WANNA SEE ME AGAIN, OR DOES YOUR JUDGMENT WEIGH TOO HEAVY ON BLAME? HOLD THE STONE THAT YOU KEEP IN YOUR HAND, NEVER ACCEPT ME AGAIN. NEVER TRUST THAT I’M HUMAN. NEVER FIND YOURSELF OUT WONDERING WHAT THE HELL IT IS THAT I’M DOING, OR HOW YOU CAN HELP. YOU’RE ALWAYS SO DAMN WORRIED ABOUT YOURSELF. YOU’RE ALWAYS SITTING THERE IN SILENCE, PROBABLY THINKING OF THE VIOLENCE YOU AND I BOTH KNOW. IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO HOME.
5.
INVASIVE AND NAUSEOUS I'D RATHER GO HOME THAN BE STUCK ON THIS BED NEXT TO YOU, ALL ALONE AS MY FACE TURNS PALE, AND I LOOK AWAY YOU TURN AROUND AND ASK IF I'M OKAY "I DON'T KNOW" SO I'LL GO SMOKE AWAY ALL THESE FEELINGS AFTER TELLING MYSELF THIS TIME'S ENOUGH BUT I WON'T GIVE UP THAT NOW CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO COPE TIRED AND READY TO GIVE IT ALL UP WITH MY FOOT ON THE GAS, SEEMS THE TRIGGER GOT STUCK WITH MY MIND BURIED INWARD, LIKE THAT'S SAFE PLACE TO HIDE MARINATED IN ALL THE BAD IDEAS I'VE LEFT BEHIND "I DON'T KNOW" SO I WON'T. I"LL JUST STAY HOME TONIGHT AND WATCH WRESTLING OR SOMETHING APROPO THIS SHIT'S A JOKE, AND I'VE BEEN THE DAMN PUNCHLINE FOR LIKE, 23 YEARS IN A ROW I HAD IT, I LOST IT AND I MUST HAVE DROPPED IT ON THE WAY TO THIS PARTY THAT'S ALREADY STARTED I DON'T MEAN TO WHINE, OR WASTE YOUR TIME I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO WITH MINE I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHERE I STAND I JUST NEED SOME TIME TO FIGURE IT OUT

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RECORDED IN THE BASEMENT OF CFP IN SPRINGFIELD, IL IN AUGUST OF 2021

credits

released May 13, 2022

SOUND ENGINEERING / DRUMS / SYNTH: MARIO CANNAMELA (bottombracketil.bandcamp.com/album/a-figure-in-armor)

GUITAR / BASS / VOCALS: AUSTIN CONNELLY

SONGS WRITTEN BY AUSTIN CONNELLY

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Austin Connelly Illinois

Guy in central Illinois who tries too hard sometimes.

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